Day One

I know I haven’t written in awhile. A friend asked me if I struggle with content, HA HA HA ..ummm no, I have lots of content. I struggle with time (don’t we all). I’ve always had my hands in a lot of things but now I feel like I have thrown myself into work cause its easier to concentrate on that then think about her. And that’s what I’d do if I had idle time, I’d think about her and go through the stages of grief. Right now I prefer to live in the fantasy world of denial where I just sit and wait for her to come through the front door after some fantastic bucket list trip she took (Maine or Alaska probably), bearing gifts and yelling to Smudge “Hey Girlfriend”!

But today I can’t do that. Today is a day I’ve known was coming and a day I’ve been dreading probably more then any other day since she passed.

Before I go on I have some things I want to clear up right now. Honestly, I didn’t think I’d have to but some people felt it necessary to share their opinions with me about my writings about my mom. My mom was an Alcoholic and I am the daughter of an Alcoholic. Actually I’m the daughter of two alcoholics and generations of alcoholics prior to them but talking about my Dad is definetely for a different day and shoot maybe a different blog. My mom was an alcoholic my whole life. Sometimes she was sober (she even went 12 years prior to the last time she fell off the wagon), but she was still an Alcoholic and even when she was sober I always waited for her to not be. That is till 6 years ago. 6 years ago was different. 6 years ago she checked into EdgeHill in Winchester and both of our lives became different. She became the authentic woman she always wanted to be and I became the daughter that didn’t worry about when she might take another drink and leave me to become the mom again.

The things I want to clear up are that by telling my moms story and my story ultimately, I am not disrespecting her or airing her dirty laundry (or breaking HIPA laws which some bat shit crazy lady tried to tell me I did). If you knew my mother at all you would know she was open about her journey to sobriety (she was actually writing her own book, which I found when going through her things) and was very active to help others down their own path to sobriety. I have been shocked by the nasty things a few people have written to me, trying to tell me I was a horrible disrepectful daughter and my mom would be horrified to read what I was telling the world about her. But as always the good has far exceeded the bad so I’m learning to hit that “unfriend Button” a little more freely.

So back to today…Today would have been her 6 year Anniversary of being Sober. Today would have been a big day! 6 years ago today I drove her out to Winchester with some clothes and toiletries and dropped her off at Rehab and then drove back to Leesburg sobbing uncontrolably. You see I had horrible guilt because she said she wanted to change her mind ( I had actually picked her up from the hospital where I had to medically detox her first cause if she had gone cold turkey she could have died), she promised she could do it on her own again, she promised to not let me down again. But much like an episode of Intervention I had to tell her she had to follow through and go or I was going to have to walk away from her. I had to do the hardest thing I have ever had to do: I basically made my mom choose between me and alcohol (thank God this time she chose me). While driving home I had no idea what the future would hold, I had no idea if this time it would stick (honestly I didn’t think it would), I had no idea that this day would actually end up being the first day of having the mother/daughter relationship we both always wanted.

So today is a day to Celebrate (and I will as I go to her “Home Group” Meeting tonight), but it also is a day where I feel so robbed. We had so many plans, so many things we wanted to do (like Maine and Alaska) and I’m still in such shock that we won’t be doing them. So before I go out to Winchester and spend time with some of those people who helped her 6 years ago and whom she helped as well, I think I’ll go back to my land of Denial and wait for her to come through that door.