People kept telling me she’d visit me in my dreams. It’d been 43 days and nothing. I’d started to believe people just say stuff to try and make you feel better. In a way I’d started to get angry. Why wasn’t she visiting me in my dreams? Between this and the not her password blog you are probably thinking I sound like a spoiled 5 year old. When it came to my mom I kinda was a spoiled 5 year old to be honest. I know without a doubt how much she loved me!

Before I tell you about my dream let me back up. Yesterday was a really hard day. I mean really hard! I hit a brick wall yesterday: the things I have left to do are way to overwhelming and emotional for me to deal with. I feel paralyzed if I’m being honest. To start, I got a semi nasty letter from the bank that holds her car loan that requires me to go to court and be named the Executor of her Estate just to get them to fricking talk to me on the phone about what to do. Hello people I’m grieving and trying to keep my head above water just tell me my options. At one point I think I screamed to nobody at all “just come Repo the damn thing its not like its going to hurt her credit!” I won’t go into all the other things I still have left but lets just say its all the hard stuff and I’m not coping well. I literally stood in the bathroom and sobbed before I headed into the office yesterday.

Poor Shawn he is being as supportive as he can, but I just don’t think he knows what to do with me when I’m at that point. He is kinda used to me having my shit together and I just don’t. The great thing about Shawn though, is he is like what I imagine having a Jewish Grandmother would be like….he just keeps cooking me food and feeding me. I’ll have gained 50 lbs when this is all said and done but since he’ll be the cause of it I’m pretty sure he won’t leave me LOL.

So after my melt down in the morning, I stuffed all my feelings down deep like my mother always taught me to do then went to work and buried myself in processes and procedures, you know those mind numbing things. But when I got home from work I locked myself in the bathroom for about 30 minutes and got in the shower and cried and cried and cried. I figured in the shower, Shawn wouldn’t hear me and he wouldn’t worry about me. It wasn’t a good moment people, it was first time in my life I think I fully understood what depression felt like, I understood people who are depressed feeling Dispair, I understood feeling literally hopeless. I stood there in the shower and felt hopeless then I got out and went and ate all the things Shawn had been cooking in the kitchen all day and went to bed. And then she came for a visit.

It was different then I thought it would be….I thought she’d like come and talk to me and tell me I’ll be ok and I was handling things and I’d get through it and maybe even she was sorry she left me with all this shit to handle. But that wasn’t how it was at all. So this is how it was: I was at Noah’s salon getting my haircut and it was me, Noah and James. Sidenote: For those of you who don’t know who Noah is he is my mom’s boss and is my hair stylist and my friend and like a brother to me. He is also married to James who is also amazing and is like a brother to me. In comes mom strolling in mumbling her credit cards won’t work wearing this old jean shirt that Shawn and I had cut the looney tunes patch off the back of when we cleaned out her closet so I could put the patch on something else (there is a whole story about the shirt, but just know it was special and I’ll get t that story another day). I was like mom what are you doing here and she looked at me like I was crazy cause duh she worked there. I had to tell her she was dead which of course she told me she wasn’t and then I told her that her shirt had a hole in the back where I cut the patch out which annoyed her because why would I do that and then I explained to her why her cards didn’t work cause I cancelled them and again the why would you do that are you crazy look. Essentially she made me believe she wasn’t dead but had just been gone but of course didn’t remember where she had been. Then I woke up!

I talked to a friend today about my dream and she said “that doesn’t sound like a happy dream” and it wasn’t, but it wasn’t sad either.  Just very mom like is all I can say (for those who knew her, I know you know what I’m talking about). It was very “why are you guys all moping about, hello I am here” This friend also said she found it interesting mom showed up on a night when I had a really rough day. My friend said this and I quote “I can see her saying to the person on the next cloud….I’m going to have to go down there and straighten her out…”

I don’t think any closure really came from this dream and I really don’t know what it all means (I’ve thought about going and seeing a medium but thats a whole other topic), but she was there and it was vivid so for now I’ll take it.